TV, food, and creating change

When I mention that I want to get rid of my TV I get different reactions. From the funky hippy gardner woman upstairs - I get - "That's great. I don't have one either. I think it's not good to bring in all those judgements and narrow definitions of what our lives are supposed to be like." And I agree and feel more confirmed. But from my young soon to be former housemates, I get, "what if the next person who moves in wants it? I love my TV. I need it to relax." Their response - that TV is an important part of modern life - seems to reflect a certain segment of the population, including segments of my family.

But that's not my point. My point is that I think they interpret my desire to go TV free as a judgement - on them, on pop culture.

It isn't. For me it is like the alcohalic who needs to stop drinking. Early in my life - 6th grade to be exact - just at the moment when I was developing breasts, unsure of myself and my body, I became addicted to TV and food. It's a combination for me. I was home sick for almost a month and I watched a lot of bad daytime TV. This was in the days before cable - or atleast before my family subscribed. At first it was just the TV - it was company. But by 7th grade the food had become part of the ritual. I was feeling all these things - in my body - and experiencing a lot of unwanted attention from boys, from men, jealousy from girls. So I began eating and lying.

Here was my routine - I would get home about an hour and a half before my mom and sister. I would turn on the TV and go to the pantry for anything I could find - at my lowest stale taco shells would do. Obviously it wasn't about the food - I wasn't tasting it - it was about eating to numb myself out. The TV was part of the process as well. I would sit there eating. Shoveling food in as I watched Luke and Laura on General Hospital followed by whatever reruns I could find of old sitcoms on what the old UHF channels.

Until I heard the garage door openning.

Then I would try my best to hide or get rid of any evidence of the food I had consumed. Rushing to dispose of plates, crumbs, plastic wrappers, whatever. Sometimes switching off the TV, sometimes just hiding the food. On occassion I would flip off the TV and rush up to my room on the second floor with whatever I had.

Of course my folks knew what was going on. In a family of four, it isn't hard to figure out what's going on when food goes missing. Their solution - a lock for the pantry door and threats that I lose weight or they would send me to private school or the magnet program newly available in our district. Diets were also a big thing - weight watchers, Scarsdale, etc. though some of that came in high school. Mind you at the time I was 5'2" and maybe I weighed 110 - which for a medium frame girl with wide hips and C cup breasts - is probably just about right.

And thus was born an addiction and disordered eating pattern that I continue to struggle with today. Hence the goal to acheive TV free life. To this day, whenever I am sitting in front of the TV - I crave food. It doesn't matter if I am hungry or not. Sometimes if I am with others it isn't as strong. But if I am alone, it is almost impossible to resist.

So the TV free thing isn't about snobbery or judgement or even a rejection of pop-culture. I enjoy an episode of The Office or How I Met Your Mother as much as the next gal. NO this is a matter of survival. It feels like my life - the life I want to live complete with good health and a successful conception, pregnancy, and birth of a child - is totally dependant on kicking this addiction.

As for my family. Don't get me wrong, I love mine just as they are. But sometimes I wish we saw more eye to eye. In one of my parent's homes there is a TV in each bedroom as well as the den. Evenings are often spent in front of it regardless of how long a visit I have come for or how long it's been since we've seen each other. I get frustrated by that and also use it as a way to blame them for getting sucked back in. Of course as I read back over this post, I realize that I probably haven't expressed my frustration with the TV every night thing. Maybe if I did they'd be into finding alternatives. It really is still up to me to take care of myself. And to set the new goals and then pursue them. So perhaps tonight after dinner, I'll suggest a game or something else instead of TV.