new project

As part of a self expression program I am doing I needed to create a project that would contribute to the community. I decided that I wanted to bring to things together that are important to me at this moment - creativity and fertility. So I have created a project to collect stories from women, men, and couples who have or are dealing with fertility issues and use those stories to create a theatrical performance piece loosely following the model of The Vagina Monologues. The Title of the project is - Infertility Stories - In Search of Parenthood. I am planning to create a separate website and blog where people can share their stories but I of course wanted to write about it here too. I'll put a link to that page once it is up. But of course it means I also need to share my own story. So I began writing it tonight. Here is a short, first draft.

I am a 40 year old single woman who has been dealing with infertility issues for about a year. When I first starting trying to get pregnant, I was sure based on the fertility of my maternal relatives that even having waited until I was 38, I wouldn't have problems. Then I did. I realized how much hiding and anxiety there was for me just in beginning to address my fertility issues. And of course everyone had an opinion about it, friends, family, strangers. I also realized how much public perception, a negative perception, and judgement I was carrying into even making the decision to move on to fertility treatments. You would think that bucking the system by trying to become a single mother would have cured me of worrying about what others think but it didn't. So I kept everything very close and private only telling those who I really felt needed to know or could help. With everyone else, I just pretended that I was continuing regular alternative insemination. I had shied away from the infertility support groups run by an MSW through my clinic because I was afraid that most of the women would be married or partnered and I would be the only single person there. Until one day, after my third blood draw and ultrasound in five days, I began chatting with the nurse and another woman who was in the midst of what was clearly not her first IVF cycle. The act of sharing our stories and laughing at some of the crazy things you do while chasing the dream of conception and pregnancy was really liberating. I came to realize how much I had been hiding and how alone I felt. I began sharing with others and being more open. I got to hear the stories of friends and family members who had dealt with this - people I'd known had struggled with infertility but hadn't ever talked to about it. I began reading and search the blogs of others and found a whole online infertility community. People sharing and "talking". I thought what if there was a way to connect all these stories and people by creating a single online place for people to share their stories. And what if those stories could be turned into a "play" about fertility and infertility and the things people do when they are trying to become parents. I got excited about the possibility that this project and the "play" could perhaps have an impact on our culture in the way that the Vagina Monologues have - giving public space to talk about something that is generally considered private and unmentionable. Thus was born "Infertility Stories - In Search of Parenthood". And the beauty of it, is that the process of creating this project is not only connecting me to more folks in the IF community, it is also something other than my monthly cycle and hormone levels to which I can give my attention and my passion.