Another loss

I have been pregnant for about 9 weeks. I found out on Wednesday that the baby stopped developing and died. There had been a good strong heatbeat at 7 weeks but when I went back this Wednesday which was 9 weeks, the heartbeat was gone and the fetus has stopped developing. Today I have to have a a D&E, a termination procedure so that I can miscarry safely. My friends here are taking good care of me. I am finally learning to ask for and let others help me when I need them. It is hard to allow them to take care of me but it is comforting too.

I feel angry and broken and too sad for words. I had just started to let myself believe in this pregnancy. Passing the 7 week mark, seeing a heartbeat. I feel like someone has beaten me up except I don't have the broken bones and bruises to show for it. I wish I had the outward signs of how broken I feel. I am terrified of the procedure today with doctors I don't know. They don't even put you fully to sleep just enough to make you groggy and comfortable - haha. My doctor said you can hear them talking through the procedure. I don't want that. Maybe I'll bring my ipod so I can listen to something else calming instead. I don't know if they will let me. I'm afraid I will have an anxiety attack in the clinic. In the procedure room.

I'm afraid I will never have this baby. I'm afraid all my eggs are rotten now because I waited too long. I feel like God is teaching me a lesson but I don't know what it is supposed to be. I don't know how I will be able to move forward with hope next time. But I'm not ready to stop. I truly believe - need to believe - that I am meant to carry and give birth to my child but I feel too broken and scared and I'm running out to time to heal again before trying another time. I just want everything to stop for a bit. I just want to go back four weeks to when it was still good. I just want it to be different.