Of joy and loss

As I write this post my body is shedding the last of the tissue that built up over the five weeks that I was pregnant. When the nurse called to tell me the news that my pregnancy test was positive, I was in shock. I had totally convinced myself that the test would be negative. I had even spent the better part of the weekend mourning another lost cycle. I made the nurse repeat the numbers and the results three times.

This was a frozen cycle - to transfer the one embryo that had been frozen since my first IVF cycle back in March. The good news began when they called to let me know that the embryo had survived the thawing process. Really the good news began when I made the decision to share my cycle with my close friend and to ask for what I needed - support transforming what would be a very clinical procedure into a sacred and spiritual experience. I made a choice that I wanted this cycle to be different and it was. I put out what I wanted and people both friends and strangers showed up. And it was a beautiful spiritual experience.

And then I was really pregnant - the embryo found a home and began to grow. The numbers were jumping up and up just like they are supposed to do. When you go through IVF they monitor your numbers every two days. But then the spotting started and I had to go out of town. I decided not to worry. Then at the next blood test the numbers stop going up the way they are supposed to. And the fear began. There was a small chance that things would right themselves but they didn't. So the monitoring turned from an excited waiting until the first ultrasound and heartbeat to an anxious waiting for the numbers to start going down so that we could rule out an ectopic pregnancy that would have required either medical or surgical treatment. Tuesday night the bleeding and cramping began. I chose not to take pain medication because I wanted to be present to the loss. I was exhausted and sad and overwhelmed and I wanted to feel all of it.

And now as the last of my lining is shedding and the overwhelming sadness is passing, I am able to find the things I am grateful for and the things I have gained through this cycle. I am grateful to learn that I can get pregnant. I had reached a point even though I had only been trying for a year where I wasn't sure how much longer I could continue trying without some success. And though it ended in a miscarriage, it was still a success in some important ways. And I am grateful that my body was able to recognize when the pregnancy was failing or the embryo was too damaged to thrive and it was able to shed the cells by itself and begin to renew. I am grateful for all the love and care that the universe has provided for me. I am grateful for the way my heart has been opening up to let others contribute to me and support and hold me. And I am so grateful for the strength and confidence this experience has given me to continue moving forward in my pursuit of motherhood.

So now I am taking the time to let my body finish shedding the cells meant to support a pregnancy and build itself back up. I am going to rest and figure out my next step and continue to open myself up to the love that there is for me to give and receive.