When I mention that I want to get rid of my TV I get different reactions. From the funky hippy gardner woman upstairs - I get - "That's great. I don't have one either. I think it's not good to bring in all those judgements and narrow definitions of what our lives are supposed to be like." And I agree and feel more confirmed. But from my young soon to be former housemates, I get, "what if the next person who moves in wants it? I love my TV. I need it to relax." Their response - that TV is an important part of modern life - seems to reflect a certain segment of the population, including segments of my family.
But that's not my point. My point is that I think they interpret my desire to go TV free as a judgement - on them, on pop culture.
It isn't. For me it is like the alcohalic who needs to stop drinking. Early in my life - 6th grade to be exact - just at the moment when I was developing breasts, unsure of myself and my body, I became addicted to TV and food. It's a combination for me. I was home sick for almost a month and I watched a lot of bad daytime TV. This was in the days before cable - or atleast before my family subscribed. At first it was just the TV - it was company. But by 7th grade the food had become part of the ritual. I was feeling all these things - in my body - and experiencing a lot of unwanted attention from boys, from men, jealousy from girls. So I began eating and lying.
Here was my routine - I would get home about an hour and a half before my mom and sister. I would turn on the TV and go to the pantry for anything I could find - at my lowest stale taco shells would do. Obviously it wasn't about the food - I wasn't tasting it - it was about eating to numb myself out. The TV was part of the process as well. I would sit there eating. Shoveling food in as I watched Luke and Laura on General Hospital followed by whatever reruns I could find of old sitcoms on what the old UHF channels.
Until I heard the garage door openning.
Then I would try my best to hide or get rid of any evidence of the food I had consumed. Rushing to dispose of plates, crumbs, plastic wrappers, whatever. Sometimes switching off the TV, sometimes just hiding the food. On occassion I would flip off the TV and rush up to my room on the second floor with whatever I had.
Of course my folks knew what was going on. In a family of four, it isn't hard to figure out what's going on when food goes missing. Their solution - a lock for the pantry door and threats that I lose weight or they would send me to private school or the magnet program newly available in our district. Diets were also a big thing - weight watchers, Scarsdale, etc. though some of that came in high school. Mind you at the time I was 5'2" and maybe I weighed 110 - which for a medium frame girl with wide hips and C cup breasts - is probably just about right.
And thus was born an addiction and disordered eating pattern that I continue to struggle with today. Hence the goal to acheive TV free life. To this day, whenever I am sitting in front of the TV - I crave food. It doesn't matter if I am hungry or not. Sometimes if I am with others it isn't as strong. But if I am alone, it is almost impossible to resist.
So the TV free thing isn't about snobbery or judgement or even a rejection of pop-culture. I enjoy an episode of The Office or How I Met Your Mother as much as the next gal. NO this is a matter of survival. It feels like my life - the life I want to live complete with good health and a successful conception, pregnancy, and birth of a child - is totally dependant on kicking this addiction.
As for my family. Don't get me wrong, I love mine just as they are. But sometimes I wish we saw more eye to eye. In one of my parent's homes there is a TV in each bedroom as well as the den. Evenings are often spent in front of it regardless of how long a visit I have come for or how long it's been since we've seen each other. I get frustrated by that and also use it as a way to blame them for getting sucked back in. Of course as I read back over this post, I realize that I probably haven't expressed my frustration with the TV every night thing. Maybe if I did they'd be into finding alternatives. It really is still up to me to take care of myself. And to set the new goals and then pursue them. So perhaps tonight after dinner, I'll suggest a game or something else instead of TV.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
exhillaration!
I got up and sang two songs tonight at an open mic night in my neighborhood! I am a singer who hasn't been singing except in synagogue or at people's weddings, for perhaps the past ten years. This weekend, I decided enough was enough. So I decided to go; sent a text to a bunch of friends many of whom showed up, and got up and sang. It's a big deal for me. Music and singing are so central to who I am and who I know myself to be and yet I have been blocking that for myself for such a long time. I would do it for others when they asked but never just for me because it makes me happy. Tonight I broke that barrier and it feels great. And it also feels like a crucial step to opening the creative flood gates in me that have been blocked and have possibly had something to do with blocking my ability to conceive. (Yes, yes along with all the other things too!) I just had to write that here. To share it and recognize in this new space I am creating through the blog - that I am finally getting mySelf back and it feels good.
Monday, May 25, 2009
new project
As part of a self expression program I am doing I needed to create a project that would contribute to the community. I decided that I wanted to bring to things together that are important to me at this moment - creativity and fertility. So I have created a project to collect stories from women, men, and couples who have or are dealing with fertility issues and use those stories to create a theatrical performance piece loosely following the model of The Vagina Monologues. The Title of the project is - Infertility Stories - In Search of Parenthood. I am planning to create a separate website and blog where people can share their stories but I of course wanted to write about it here too. I'll put a link to that page once it is up. But of course it means I also need to share my own story. So I began writing it tonight. Here is a short, first draft.
I am a 40 year old single woman who has been dealing with infertility issues for about a year. When I first starting trying to get pregnant, I was sure based on the fertility of my maternal relatives that even having waited until I was 38, I wouldn't have problems. Then I did. I realized how much hiding and anxiety there was for me just in beginning to address my fertility issues. And of course everyone had an opinion about it, friends, family, strangers. I also realized how much public perception, a negative perception, and judgement I was carrying into even making the decision to move on to fertility treatments. You would think that bucking the system by trying to become a single mother would have cured me of worrying about what others think but it didn't. So I kept everything very close and private only telling those who I really felt needed to know or could help. With everyone else, I just pretended that I was continuing regular alternative insemination. I had shied away from the infertility support groups run by an MSW through my clinic because I was afraid that most of the women would be married or partnered and I would be the only single person there. Until one day, after my third blood draw and ultrasound in five days, I began chatting with the nurse and another woman who was in the midst of what was clearly not her first IVF cycle. The act of sharing our stories and laughing at some of the crazy things you do while chasing the dream of conception and pregnancy was really liberating. I came to realize how much I had been hiding and how alone I felt. I began sharing with others and being more open. I got to hear the stories of friends and family members who had dealt with this - people I'd known had struggled with infertility but hadn't ever talked to about it. I began reading and search the blogs of others and found a whole online infertility community. People sharing and "talking". I thought what if there was a way to connect all these stories and people by creating a single online place for people to share their stories. And what if those stories could be turned into a "play" about fertility and infertility and the things people do when they are trying to become parents. I got excited about the possibility that this project and the "play" could perhaps have an impact on our culture in the way that the Vagina Monologues have - giving public space to talk about something that is generally considered private and unmentionable. Thus was born "Infertility Stories - In Search of Parenthood". And the beauty of it, is that the process of creating this project is not only connecting me to more folks in the IF community, it is also something other than my monthly cycle and hormone levels to which I can give my attention and my passion.
I am a 40 year old single woman who has been dealing with infertility issues for about a year. When I first starting trying to get pregnant, I was sure based on the fertility of my maternal relatives that even having waited until I was 38, I wouldn't have problems. Then I did. I realized how much hiding and anxiety there was for me just in beginning to address my fertility issues. And of course everyone had an opinion about it, friends, family, strangers. I also realized how much public perception, a negative perception, and judgement I was carrying into even making the decision to move on to fertility treatments. You would think that bucking the system by trying to become a single mother would have cured me of worrying about what others think but it didn't. So I kept everything very close and private only telling those who I really felt needed to know or could help. With everyone else, I just pretended that I was continuing regular alternative insemination. I had shied away from the infertility support groups run by an MSW through my clinic because I was afraid that most of the women would be married or partnered and I would be the only single person there. Until one day, after my third blood draw and ultrasound in five days, I began chatting with the nurse and another woman who was in the midst of what was clearly not her first IVF cycle. The act of sharing our stories and laughing at some of the crazy things you do while chasing the dream of conception and pregnancy was really liberating. I came to realize how much I had been hiding and how alone I felt. I began sharing with others and being more open. I got to hear the stories of friends and family members who had dealt with this - people I'd known had struggled with infertility but hadn't ever talked to about it. I began reading and search the blogs of others and found a whole online infertility community. People sharing and "talking". I thought what if there was a way to connect all these stories and people by creating a single online place for people to share their stories. And what if those stories could be turned into a "play" about fertility and infertility and the things people do when they are trying to become parents. I got excited about the possibility that this project and the "play" could perhaps have an impact on our culture in the way that the Vagina Monologues have - giving public space to talk about something that is generally considered private and unmentionable. Thus was born "Infertility Stories - In Search of Parenthood". And the beauty of it, is that the process of creating this project is not only connecting me to more folks in the IF community, it is also something other than my monthly cycle and hormone levels to which I can give my attention and my passion.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Six months and one IVF cycle later
I just reread my first two posts today after having been away from my blog for so long that I had forgotten my user name and password. It was interesting rereading my first post, a good reminder of how I am because the last six months have been pretty up and down. I managed to keep to the average of 5 days a week at the gym until the end of March, when I did my first round of IVF. Between the hormone stimulation, travel, and my doctor's instructions, I began a three week hiatus that turned into a seven week lapse. The IVF cycle - about which I had ambivalence but convinced myself would be the solution to my problem - was unsuccessful. Well by that I mean that I produced a number of good quality eggs and three excellent quality embryos but neither of the two that we transfered took. And the hormones they put you on to support the potential pregnancy mimic symptoms of pregnancy. So I convinced myself I was pregnant and was devastated when I wasn't. I used the excuse of travel and work to avoid taking care of myself after I got the negative results.
But here's the thing, the silver lining as it were. One of the things I was most afraid of was that I would be get pregnant with twins. As a single woman who is not independantly wealthy and currently lives in excess of 300 miles from my family, the possibility of being pregnant with twins was terrifying. Now I have one embryo frozen which means I can try again, without having to go through all the stimulation, and if it is successful, I don't have to worry as much about twins (there is still the chance as with any pregnancy that it could split into identicals). I still have to worry about all the other things that one has to worry about as an older woman, but that is one thing I can feel less anxious about.
Before I move forward with the frozen embryo transfer (FET), I am trying to bring even more of my health and body into balance. The IVF cycle really threw things off for me. I have also been aware for awhile of a sense that there is more blocking the pregnancy than just endometriosis and working with frozen sperm. I've felt a sense of being too full of regret, of disappointment, of a sense of being punished for something I can't even remember having done. I've been full of sadness and disappointment that I haven't found a partner with whom to pursue becoming parents together. A sense that I am going after this to make a change in my life and heal and fill something that is missing instead of healing first and then pursuing the pregnancy. I've ignored that sense sometimes or convinced myself that lots of single women feel this way and that it doesn't matter. But now with the possibility of doing FET, I suddenly recommited to wanting it to work and more than that, I recognized that this whole process of pursuing pregnancy has led me to taking on and doing things to heal myself that I had been putting off for years. The acupuncture, the leadership and self-expression courses, the recommiting to healthy eating and lifestyle. All things I have been saying I wanted to do but not doing. I am starting to realize that this path I have chosen to follow is giving me the courage and determination to give to myself in a way I haven't been willing or able to do in years.
I have decided to jetison the TV and the microwave. I'm working towards getting back to a mostly wheat, white sugar, white rice, and white potatoe, dairy free diet. I've given up alcohal except for the occasional glass of wine. And I'm singing again. All these things which I have had in my life that have been good for me and that I'd given up, I'm working to bringing back. And yesterday, working with one of the healers I have added to my life, I realized that when I started it was all about doing it to get pregnant. I can recall being angry with my acupuncturist after the last IUI and then IVF failed because I thought - this is what I am coming here for and if it isn't making a difference then why am I spending all this money. But I realize now that while the desire for pregnancy has been the motivating factor in many of the changes I have made in my life over the past year, it can't be the reason. The changes have to be about taking care of me, healing me, strengthening me. For them to be real and sustainable changes, I have to realize that I am worth it just for me. Doing them may make it easier and more likely that I will be able to conceive, but they will certainly make my life more worth living. I will be awake and alive in a way I haven't been for years. I can recognize that the pain and disappointment I've been carrying for all these years, has had me sleep walking through my life. Not fully convinced that I wanted to be here and looking for someone or something to "save" me, redeem me, fix me. Yes of course I've had moments even extended moments when I have been more awake and more connected to my purpose and my passion. But for the past five, possibly ten years, I've been mostly trying to get through, to survive.
I feel I'm waking now, shedding the things that have been poisoning me and more ready to be alive. I know it is a process and even as I write this, there is the voice in my head warning me not to publish it, not to share this post, because I will look like an ass when I revert back to old patterns. I hear that voice and I am aware of the past and the shame that keeps me thinking that I need to continue to hide until I have it all perfect and fully in place. But I know that nothing is perfect or immutable. That integrity has room for screwing up - the key is to take responsibility for my actions to hold myself acountable so that I can clean up whatever places where I've messed up and then let it go and move on. I'm learning to believe that, to be that, and thus to have more compassion and love for myself. And I'm aware that if I don't love myself, I won't have room to truly love and nourish and respect a child. So that's a synopsis of the last six months of my roller coaster ride in life. I hope to be writing here more regularly, now.
I am finally getting back into it now with renewed commitment to myself.
But here's the thing, the silver lining as it were. One of the things I was most afraid of was that I would be get pregnant with twins. As a single woman who is not independantly wealthy and currently lives in excess of 300 miles from my family, the possibility of being pregnant with twins was terrifying. Now I have one embryo frozen which means I can try again, without having to go through all the stimulation, and if it is successful, I don't have to worry as much about twins (there is still the chance as with any pregnancy that it could split into identicals). I still have to worry about all the other things that one has to worry about as an older woman, but that is one thing I can feel less anxious about.
Before I move forward with the frozen embryo transfer (FET), I am trying to bring even more of my health and body into balance. The IVF cycle really threw things off for me. I have also been aware for awhile of a sense that there is more blocking the pregnancy than just endometriosis and working with frozen sperm. I've felt a sense of being too full of regret, of disappointment, of a sense of being punished for something I can't even remember having done. I've been full of sadness and disappointment that I haven't found a partner with whom to pursue becoming parents together. A sense that I am going after this to make a change in my life and heal and fill something that is missing instead of healing first and then pursuing the pregnancy. I've ignored that sense sometimes or convinced myself that lots of single women feel this way and that it doesn't matter. But now with the possibility of doing FET, I suddenly recommited to wanting it to work and more than that, I recognized that this whole process of pursuing pregnancy has led me to taking on and doing things to heal myself that I had been putting off for years. The acupuncture, the leadership and self-expression courses, the recommiting to healthy eating and lifestyle. All things I have been saying I wanted to do but not doing. I am starting to realize that this path I have chosen to follow is giving me the courage and determination to give to myself in a way I haven't been willing or able to do in years.
I have decided to jetison the TV and the microwave. I'm working towards getting back to a mostly wheat, white sugar, white rice, and white potatoe, dairy free diet. I've given up alcohal except for the occasional glass of wine. And I'm singing again. All these things which I have had in my life that have been good for me and that I'd given up, I'm working to bringing back. And yesterday, working with one of the healers I have added to my life, I realized that when I started it was all about doing it to get pregnant. I can recall being angry with my acupuncturist after the last IUI and then IVF failed because I thought - this is what I am coming here for and if it isn't making a difference then why am I spending all this money. But I realize now that while the desire for pregnancy has been the motivating factor in many of the changes I have made in my life over the past year, it can't be the reason. The changes have to be about taking care of me, healing me, strengthening me. For them to be real and sustainable changes, I have to realize that I am worth it just for me. Doing them may make it easier and more likely that I will be able to conceive, but they will certainly make my life more worth living. I will be awake and alive in a way I haven't been for years. I can recognize that the pain and disappointment I've been carrying for all these years, has had me sleep walking through my life. Not fully convinced that I wanted to be here and looking for someone or something to "save" me, redeem me, fix me. Yes of course I've had moments even extended moments when I have been more awake and more connected to my purpose and my passion. But for the past five, possibly ten years, I've been mostly trying to get through, to survive.
I feel I'm waking now, shedding the things that have been poisoning me and more ready to be alive. I know it is a process and even as I write this, there is the voice in my head warning me not to publish it, not to share this post, because I will look like an ass when I revert back to old patterns. I hear that voice and I am aware of the past and the shame that keeps me thinking that I need to continue to hide until I have it all perfect and fully in place. But I know that nothing is perfect or immutable. That integrity has room for screwing up - the key is to take responsibility for my actions to hold myself acountable so that I can clean up whatever places where I've messed up and then let it go and move on. I'm learning to believe that, to be that, and thus to have more compassion and love for myself. And I'm aware that if I don't love myself, I won't have room to truly love and nourish and respect a child. So that's a synopsis of the last six months of my roller coaster ride in life. I hope to be writing here more regularly, now.
I am finally getting back into it now with renewed commitment to myself.
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