Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Yes, No, Maybe, I don't know

I'm on vacation this week. I decided to repeat what was a lovely vacation at the beach last year the week after labor day. It was a great weekend with friends but the weather has now turned colder and over cast. So instead of being on the beach and playing in the surf or kayaking in the bay, I am sitting in the condo writing and musing.

Yesterday, the man I just began dating came to visit for the day. He drove the 3+ hours each way to spend the afternoon with me so we could see each other and talk. It was great that he came and it made me recognize how much he wants this to work. We talked about a lot of things - about what each of us sees as possible or wants. I stated what I needed from him to try to make this work with the parameters. I've spent so much of the past five years shut off or only superficially opening myself to the possibility of relationship. I know that taking the risk is the only way to figure out if something is what you want. There is a part of me saying no - disappointed but recognizing that what we want for ourselves may be too different and it would take too much compromise on both sides for it to be compatible. His lifestyle is different from what I have envisioned for myself. But then I also think that some of this NO is coming from my old friend FEAR. It's about cutting my losses early so I won't get hurt in the end. It's about being more comfortable with the hurt I know of disappointment and loneliness than the risk of some future heartache or even bliss. It's the addiction to predictability that has me wanting to run.

Fortunately it's countered by the YES - that isn't as much about M and the possibility of a future together as it is about me wanting to take action in service of my desire to find a life partner. It is a yes to the possibility and reality of love in my life that is real rather than the fantasy I have created of what that is or will look like. I went to see "500 Days of Summer" with a friend the other day. I enjoyed the back and forth of the film. Towards the end there are mock interviews with his friends and boss about finding love. His best friend says his wife isn't necessarily the girl of his dreams. That the girl of his dreams would be taller, more into sports, and have bigger breasts. but then the character say, "She's better than the girl of my dreams. She's real." I've spent so much of my life rejecting some and pursuing others because of the man of my dreams that I've wound up single at 40. And now that I know this and can see the patterns, I want to change. Exploring things with M - wherever that leads - will bring me one step closer.

So I feel like I am finally embracing the land of I don't know and learning to live here with confidence that I will know what I need to know when I need to know it and that the key is to honor and listen to my feelings and then share them with M and others so I can keep moving forward. It's not unlike the fertility stuff. I can hold out a vision of what I want and desire - a child to be a parent to be blessed with the gift of carrying and giving birth to that child myself - but there are no guarantees that is only taking each step of the journey, each small or big risk along the way and then evaluating where I get to next and how I feel about it. It's a really uncomfortable place to be but perhaps discomfort is part of the bargin of being human and living.

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