Tomorrow in synagogues all around the world we will read the stories of infertility reprieved - twice. For the past five or more years, I have chanted the story of Hannah - the barren woman who prayed with all her heart and soul to be granted a child so she could demonstrated her love of God by raising the child to serve the Divine. Her story is a parallel to the story of Sarah - wife of Abraham and mother of Isaac. Both women wanted a child to express their love and to fulfill their destinies and both had their wombs closed. Both women were tortured by the fertility of the other women in their families - Sarah by Hagar her maid and surrogate - and Hannah by Penina her cowife.
I've been thinking about whether or not there is a Hagar or Penina in my life. Certainly in the past year, many friends have gotten pregnant and given birth. And as the year moved forward and more and more women I knew were achieving their dreams while mine ended in blood and tears each month, I felt jealousy, anger, frustration with God, with my body, with myself. And yet, I was also happy for them, for the miracle of their stories and the continued proof that women my age and older were conceiving and giving birth. Certainly, I have not been actively taunted by these women as Hannah was - but then I think that perhaps it is part of the perception. Clearly the text says that Penina taunted Hannah - but we don't know the content of those taunts. Perhaps the taunt was simply that each year Penina's easy fertility felt like a taunt, a barb, a showing off to the infertile Hannah. I have had moments over the past 16 months of feeling that another's fertility - hard won or easy - was a personal affront. Rationally I knew that was not the case but Rationality is rarely present when emotions are high. Yet as the months passed the feeling of personal affront, of some kind of divine Judgement of me, eased. The personal feeling of loss that comes up each time I hear of another pregnant friend or relative hasn't dissipated completely. I'm not sure that it will until/unless I am able to conceive, carry to term and give birth to a healthy child of my own, but I am now able to separate it from the true joy I feel for others. I have taken up a practice of silently wishing good health and an easy time to every pregnant woman I see. Offering my own silent blessing to strangers and friends alike reminds me of the miracle that it is and that is available.
The stories of Sarah and Hannah are both a source of prayer, inspiration, hope and pain for me. Especially the last few years, as I come to the holiday still childless and unsure what this new year will hold for me. This year I am at the beginning of a new cycle. It feels somehow appropriate as though all my cycles, spiritual, reproductive, emotional are aligning. I realized this morning as I pushed against what felt like a huge weight just to get out of bed that I am anxious about starting this new year. That for me holiday means family and loved ones and it is a painful experience as the new families are called to the Torah that I am still just a witness.
I have worked hard over the past year to release myself from feelings that I have been abandoned by God, that my lack of a partner or a child is somehow punishment for something I had done to offend. But, I have realized that in fact, I have had a large role in creating my life as it is which means that I also have the power to create a life that is more reflective of my soul. That I can be more open to the love that is and continue to take risks - perhaps even more - that I might get what I want. Which doesn't mean I ignore the sadness - the feelings of loss that come up for me as these holidays approach and I am once again shredded by the gap between what is so and what I wish, want to be. But I think perhaps this year if I can really give myself the gift of feeling all the emotions of love, sadness, fear, hope, desire, joy, strength, weakness and inspiration then I can enter this new year more truly connect to myself, my core, my soul and thus God and everything. More connected which is something that can only be good.
Shana Tova
Friday, September 18, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Yes, No, Maybe, I don't know
I'm on vacation this week. I decided to repeat what was a lovely vacation at the beach last year the week after labor day. It was a great weekend with friends but the weather has now turned colder and over cast. So instead of being on the beach and playing in the surf or kayaking in the bay, I am sitting in the condo writing and musing.
Yesterday, the man I just began dating came to visit for the day. He drove the 3+ hours each way to spend the afternoon with me so we could see each other and talk. It was great that he came and it made me recognize how much he wants this to work. We talked about a lot of things - about what each of us sees as possible or wants. I stated what I needed from him to try to make this work with the parameters. I've spent so much of the past five years shut off or only superficially opening myself to the possibility of relationship. I know that taking the risk is the only way to figure out if something is what you want. There is a part of me saying no - disappointed but recognizing that what we want for ourselves may be too different and it would take too much compromise on both sides for it to be compatible. His lifestyle is different from what I have envisioned for myself. But then I also think that some of this NO is coming from my old friend FEAR. It's about cutting my losses early so I won't get hurt in the end. It's about being more comfortable with the hurt I know of disappointment and loneliness than the risk of some future heartache or even bliss. It's the addiction to predictability that has me wanting to run.
Fortunately it's countered by the YES - that isn't as much about M and the possibility of a future together as it is about me wanting to take action in service of my desire to find a life partner. It is a yes to the possibility and reality of love in my life that is real rather than the fantasy I have created of what that is or will look like. I went to see "500 Days of Summer" with a friend the other day. I enjoyed the back and forth of the film. Towards the end there are mock interviews with his friends and boss about finding love. His best friend says his wife isn't necessarily the girl of his dreams. That the girl of his dreams would be taller, more into sports, and have bigger breasts. but then the character say, "She's better than the girl of my dreams. She's real." I've spent so much of my life rejecting some and pursuing others because of the man of my dreams that I've wound up single at 40. And now that I know this and can see the patterns, I want to change. Exploring things with M - wherever that leads - will bring me one step closer.
So I feel like I am finally embracing the land of I don't know and learning to live here with confidence that I will know what I need to know when I need to know it and that the key is to honor and listen to my feelings and then share them with M and others so I can keep moving forward. It's not unlike the fertility stuff. I can hold out a vision of what I want and desire - a child to be a parent to be blessed with the gift of carrying and giving birth to that child myself - but there are no guarantees that is only taking each step of the journey, each small or big risk along the way and then evaluating where I get to next and how I feel about it. It's a really uncomfortable place to be but perhaps discomfort is part of the bargin of being human and living.
Yesterday, the man I just began dating came to visit for the day. He drove the 3+ hours each way to spend the afternoon with me so we could see each other and talk. It was great that he came and it made me recognize how much he wants this to work. We talked about a lot of things - about what each of us sees as possible or wants. I stated what I needed from him to try to make this work with the parameters. I've spent so much of the past five years shut off or only superficially opening myself to the possibility of relationship. I know that taking the risk is the only way to figure out if something is what you want. There is a part of me saying no - disappointed but recognizing that what we want for ourselves may be too different and it would take too much compromise on both sides for it to be compatible. His lifestyle is different from what I have envisioned for myself. But then I also think that some of this NO is coming from my old friend FEAR. It's about cutting my losses early so I won't get hurt in the end. It's about being more comfortable with the hurt I know of disappointment and loneliness than the risk of some future heartache or even bliss. It's the addiction to predictability that has me wanting to run.
Fortunately it's countered by the YES - that isn't as much about M and the possibility of a future together as it is about me wanting to take action in service of my desire to find a life partner. It is a yes to the possibility and reality of love in my life that is real rather than the fantasy I have created of what that is or will look like. I went to see "500 Days of Summer" with a friend the other day. I enjoyed the back and forth of the film. Towards the end there are mock interviews with his friends and boss about finding love. His best friend says his wife isn't necessarily the girl of his dreams. That the girl of his dreams would be taller, more into sports, and have bigger breasts. but then the character say, "She's better than the girl of my dreams. She's real." I've spent so much of my life rejecting some and pursuing others because of the man of my dreams that I've wound up single at 40. And now that I know this and can see the patterns, I want to change. Exploring things with M - wherever that leads - will bring me one step closer.
So I feel like I am finally embracing the land of I don't know and learning to live here with confidence that I will know what I need to know when I need to know it and that the key is to honor and listen to my feelings and then share them with M and others so I can keep moving forward. It's not unlike the fertility stuff. I can hold out a vision of what I want and desire - a child to be a parent to be blessed with the gift of carrying and giving birth to that child myself - but there are no guarantees that is only taking each step of the journey, each small or big risk along the way and then evaluating where I get to next and how I feel about it. It's a really uncomfortable place to be but perhaps discomfort is part of the bargin of being human and living.
Diagnosis and the single factor
Once it became apparent that I wasn't getting pregnant easily, I began to wonder about the single factor. How much of the challenge I am facing is that I'm single. Even before I started trying, but once I was 30, I began to wonder if the fact that I hadn't ever gotten pregnant despite the more than I'd care to share # of times I'd had unprotected sex. (Yes, I count my lucky whatever that I am also disease free given my at times totally irresponsible behavior.) Certainly in my early twenties there were a few scares but no unplanned conceptions- funny how age and perspective shift can change your evaluation of something.
Here I am 15 some odd years later and every missed cycle or unsuccessful attempt has me wondering if I've always had some underlying issues or if the biggest challenge is that I'm single and trying to get pregnant using frozen donor sperm. When I first started, I was sure that I'd have no trouble and would be pregnant after only a few tries. I went full force forward into doing two IUI's - no drugs - per cycle the first two cycles. After neither of those cycles worked, I dialed back to one IUI per month till I used up the six vials of my original purchase. For those of you using known donors or married to a fertile partner - the cost of one vial of frozen donor sperm not including shipping averages between $400 and $600. If you want to use a donor who is willing to be known - i.e. a child you conceive with that sperm can contact the man at age 18 and the bank will continuously send you health/lifestyle information - it is usually $100 more than other vials. Granted in the grand scheme of having a raising a child, a few $100 more seems like nothing.
I began this post more than 6 months ago. I had just met with the RE I have been working with for the past eight months. She diagnosed me with Endometriosis and petitioned to move straight pasted hormone stimulated IUI to IVF. Her reasoning was both that I am working with frozen sperm and that the hormones can make the endo worse so IVF is a better option. My hormone levels are all still very good - though the more I learn the more I realize that FSH and LH and TSH etc are only vague indicators and the quality of the eggs is more the issue. So we proceeded blithely ahead with the first round of IVF - okay not blithely but I certainly knew less than I do now. The hormone shots and the testing was stressful but not terrible. The waiting and the expectation followed by the spotting and the definitive negative pregnancy test were devastating. I wasn't sure I could continue. I just felt so sad and cosmically punished.
In my post on Hannah, Sarah and Infertility in the Torah I muse on the fact that fertility seems to be something the divine bestows on the foremothers after long bouts of not being able to conceive. If fertility is a gift that the divine bestows then what of infertility? Is it about learning patience and the lesson of not having control? Is it about a need to develop a strong love for life independent of children? I have for the most part moved beyond seeing it as punishment. Certainly in the Torah divine punishment is much more actively dealt out. It is not so much the lack of things as the destruction or threat of destruction. Perhaps it is simply indifference. There are thousands who struggle with fertility issues today and no doubt there were back in the ancient world as well. Sarah and Hannah had their wombs opened but the text is fairly silent on the whys of either the opening or the closing. As an older woman I try to see those texts as hopeful prayers and examples that anything is possible.
Of course Sarah and Hannah were in loving relationships with their male partners. So how much is the singleness a factor for me. Recently, I've begun dating someone. He is far away and has a child from a previous marriage. The relationship is very new and I haven't any idea where it is going or what I want from it. Nonetheless, it had me thinking about what I do want - a family with a partner. It has me thinking about how much I want the whole package. He knows I am trying to get pregnant and is very supportive. Though neither of us is ready to try to conceive a child together - the thought has crossed my mind to want to try if my cycle and our visits coincided. All the work I've done over the past year with my leadership development program, the healers I've been seeing has seemed if nothing else to strengthen my system and make my regular cycles even more so. (So much so that my first attempt at doing a frozen embryo transfer with the one remaining embryo from my failed IVF was canceled because despite being in low dose estrogen which is meant to suppress ovulation - I ovulated anyway.) It makes me wonder if M and I were in a place to be trying regularly without assistance if I might be able to conceive that way now. His one son was conceived when he was already 38. Of course it is all conjecture because we're not in a position to pursue that and I am not waiting until we are. I am grateful that he is supportive of me trying the way I am with donor sperm. Still I can't help but wonder. So I guess for now the singleness factor of my fertility challenges will remain unknown - like much of my other issues. And as I approach this new Jewish year and look back on where I missed the mark and what I want to change, I know that I'm trying to let go of the need to know and to embrace the idea that my fertility challenges are anything other than a combination of factors none of which have anything to do with judgment or who I am. I am moving forward with the idea that anything is possible and that single or not this is my path to travel.
I began this post as a bit of a rant - about how being single might be the biggest single factor in my fertility challenges and about the cost of donor sperm. I don't have any more answers than I did. I have found my way to a place of more calm and self-love but the cost factor and the questions don't go away. I had said that in the grant scheme of raising a child and having a family the $500 or $600 or even $1000 for the purchase and shipping of donor sperm is really nothing. Even when I add to it the cost of medication and treatment - and I am blessed to live in the only state that requires health insurers to provide fertility benefits - it is still minor compared to putting a child through college or raising a child just to get there in the first place. It's nothing.
Though of course it isn't nothing; it's the price of hope and desire. If I knew there would be a child at the end of it, I would gladly spend as much as I could but of course that's the thing about hope and desire - there are no guarantees just the willingness to take the risk with the knowledge that hopefully whatever happens I will be okay.
Here I am 15 some odd years later and every missed cycle or unsuccessful attempt has me wondering if I've always had some underlying issues or if the biggest challenge is that I'm single and trying to get pregnant using frozen donor sperm. When I first started, I was sure that I'd have no trouble and would be pregnant after only a few tries. I went full force forward into doing two IUI's - no drugs - per cycle the first two cycles. After neither of those cycles worked, I dialed back to one IUI per month till I used up the six vials of my original purchase. For those of you using known donors or married to a fertile partner - the cost of one vial of frozen donor sperm not including shipping averages between $400 and $600. If you want to use a donor who is willing to be known - i.e. a child you conceive with that sperm can contact the man at age 18 and the bank will continuously send you health/lifestyle information - it is usually $100 more than other vials. Granted in the grand scheme of having a raising a child, a few $100 more seems like nothing.
I began this post more than 6 months ago. I had just met with the RE I have been working with for the past eight months. She diagnosed me with Endometriosis and petitioned to move straight pasted hormone stimulated IUI to IVF. Her reasoning was both that I am working with frozen sperm and that the hormones can make the endo worse so IVF is a better option. My hormone levels are all still very good - though the more I learn the more I realize that FSH and LH and TSH etc are only vague indicators and the quality of the eggs is more the issue. So we proceeded blithely ahead with the first round of IVF - okay not blithely but I certainly knew less than I do now. The hormone shots and the testing was stressful but not terrible. The waiting and the expectation followed by the spotting and the definitive negative pregnancy test were devastating. I wasn't sure I could continue. I just felt so sad and cosmically punished.
In my post on Hannah, Sarah and Infertility in the Torah I muse on the fact that fertility seems to be something the divine bestows on the foremothers after long bouts of not being able to conceive. If fertility is a gift that the divine bestows then what of infertility? Is it about learning patience and the lesson of not having control? Is it about a need to develop a strong love for life independent of children? I have for the most part moved beyond seeing it as punishment. Certainly in the Torah divine punishment is much more actively dealt out. It is not so much the lack of things as the destruction or threat of destruction. Perhaps it is simply indifference. There are thousands who struggle with fertility issues today and no doubt there were back in the ancient world as well. Sarah and Hannah had their wombs opened but the text is fairly silent on the whys of either the opening or the closing. As an older woman I try to see those texts as hopeful prayers and examples that anything is possible.
Of course Sarah and Hannah were in loving relationships with their male partners. So how much is the singleness a factor for me. Recently, I've begun dating someone. He is far away and has a child from a previous marriage. The relationship is very new and I haven't any idea where it is going or what I want from it. Nonetheless, it had me thinking about what I do want - a family with a partner. It has me thinking about how much I want the whole package. He knows I am trying to get pregnant and is very supportive. Though neither of us is ready to try to conceive a child together - the thought has crossed my mind to want to try if my cycle and our visits coincided. All the work I've done over the past year with my leadership development program, the healers I've been seeing has seemed if nothing else to strengthen my system and make my regular cycles even more so. (So much so that my first attempt at doing a frozen embryo transfer with the one remaining embryo from my failed IVF was canceled because despite being in low dose estrogen which is meant to suppress ovulation - I ovulated anyway.) It makes me wonder if M and I were in a place to be trying regularly without assistance if I might be able to conceive that way now. His one son was conceived when he was already 38. Of course it is all conjecture because we're not in a position to pursue that and I am not waiting until we are. I am grateful that he is supportive of me trying the way I am with donor sperm. Still I can't help but wonder. So I guess for now the singleness factor of my fertility challenges will remain unknown - like much of my other issues. And as I approach this new Jewish year and look back on where I missed the mark and what I want to change, I know that I'm trying to let go of the need to know and to embrace the idea that my fertility challenges are anything other than a combination of factors none of which have anything to do with judgment or who I am. I am moving forward with the idea that anything is possible and that single or not this is my path to travel.
I began this post as a bit of a rant - about how being single might be the biggest single factor in my fertility challenges and about the cost of donor sperm. I don't have any more answers than I did. I have found my way to a place of more calm and self-love but the cost factor and the questions don't go away. I had said that in the grant scheme of raising a child and having a family the $500 or $600 or even $1000 for the purchase and shipping of donor sperm is really nothing. Even when I add to it the cost of medication and treatment - and I am blessed to live in the only state that requires health insurers to provide fertility benefits - it is still minor compared to putting a child through college or raising a child just to get there in the first place. It's nothing.
Though of course it isn't nothing; it's the price of hope and desire. If I knew there would be a child at the end of it, I would gladly spend as much as I could but of course that's the thing about hope and desire - there are no guarantees just the willingness to take the risk with the knowledge that hopefully whatever happens I will be okay.
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